One of our biggest problems: Giving to Receive

Our selfish nature is part of what preserves us. Without selfishness, our ultimate safety would be in jeopardy. However, we rarely appreciate how important giving is to our ultimate peace and contentment. We monitor our giving so closely. We try to make sure we don’t give much more than we get. We are so careful to not be the “sucker”. This morning I had this simple thought: the more we allow ourselves to give without measuring or expecting something in return, the more we can be at peace and feel contentment in our lives. Giving that acts alone, without expecting something in return (the hardest to do!), provides shelter from feelings of hurt and anger that come from not getting the return on our investment of giving.

My brother is a selfless giver. His wife of almost fifty years has had a major debilitating illness for forty-five of those years. She has been in a nursing home for the last several years and unable to walk. I have watched him give care to her, nurture and love her over the years without complaint. Her situation is truly difficult and I believe many would have measured the return of their investment of giving to her and run away. The larger point to me is the peace and contentment that I have always seen in him. You will never see him cursing or hating anyone or complaining about the required care of his wife. I used to want him to be more aggressive. I wanted him to get upset. “Don’t you see that people are taking advantage of you?”, was my sometimes refrain. It has taken the irascible me many years to finally understand and appreciate the peace and contentment that he feels and the special gift of giving that centers his life.

I am learning that giving is a peace and contentment supporter as long as the giving requires nothing in return. It is the pure act of giving that brings peace and contentment. Unfortunately, our selfish nature will keep most of us from the peace that passes all understanding.

On Mothering

This morning I watched CBS Sunday Morning and was touched by several stories, but particularly, a story about a woman, a mother, sad and celebrating the 33 days that her adopted daughter lived on this earth (http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=50146603n). The mother said, “…and given the choice between no days and 33 days, I would take 33 days everytime”.  I  teared and did not know exactly why, but I think the tears must come in part from feeling the sweet  essence of  goodness in this mother’s love.  It was not loss on the moment that the child was African-American and the Texas mother was White.  Somewhere in the moment were thoughts of my mother and my two babies who are now mothers.  Somewhere  in there were thoughts of the mothers of my babies and the loving care they provided. Somewhere in there were thoughts of promises keep and not keep and the mystery and majesty of the human transformation of mother and child fostered by the act of mothering.

Sometimes in moments like this I am forced to sit down and write some of the thoughts that seem to gush up in my head and overpower my thinking.

My brain was filled this morning with thoughts of my two mothering babies and the wonder, the care, the change I see in them.  They are so different from each other, but each so dedicated to the mothering that consumes their lives and protects and nurtures the lives they ushered into this crazy world.  I take great pride in watching them with their different styles, but same intensity and dedication.   I look at them each with two year olds and remember them as two year olds.  The privilege of seeing them grow (not always according to my designs) and transform into mothering gifts of the universe is a certain shock to my maleness and father notions.

There is something different for me about what I saw in them as two years olds and what I see in their two year olds.  My suspicion is that my youthful maleness presumed too much and was too caught up in trying to grow up myself to fully appreciate the majesty and wonder of children and mothering.  There is this male attitude that accepts mothering as just something that woman do and that we, the sperm droppers, need not stand in awe. After all, mothering is what nature requires of woman – and always has.  So, for me, it has taken almost fifty years to come to a fuller realization of the wonder of mothering.

It has taken almost fifty years for me to fully appreciate my mother’s unfailing commitment to me and my brother.  I know my father was committed, but it showed itself differently.  And maybe that is as it was intended.   When I was off in left field, my mother was always beseeching me to just do the best that I can.  When I probably needed more wacks (I got a few in the early years), she just encouraged me and prayed for me.  I always felt her love and concern.  She never left my corner. My mother was good looking, smart and her father’s favorite.  I shed a tear for her today because she spent the better part of the last forty years of her life fighting severe depression due I believe to an extremely fast decline from plenty and social standing to poverty when my father’s business closed  in the early sixties.  Through it all though,  she remained proud, steadfast, and true to her faith in God.   She was a great mother!

My girls are great mothers as I step back and observe them and I have now the maturity to better appreciate mothering.   If old age has any good in it besides the ability to take a breath of air, it is perhaps  the fact that most old folks aren’t  as “insistent” and driven by old notions as we once were.   We are calmer and “see” more of and in the wonder of the living organism that is a child.  I am sure, generally speaking, that women have always been ahead of men in this regard.  After all, the football player is always mouthing “hi mom”, not “hi dad”, to the TV camera.

I have had  the extraordinary experience to seeing one grandchild burst from her mother’s womb.  It was a glorious experience of the wonder and mystical nature of the life giving process.  I think men would be better husbands and fathers if we all could witness birth and feel the explosion of new life into existence.

I think mothers and fathers must be more committed to creating a nurturing environment for all children.  And mothers and fathers must be more committed to compromising their desires in the interest of the best environment they can create to grow a child.  Sadly, I don’t see society positively moving in this regard.  I believe the casual nature of physical intimacy that many of us participated in over the years has reached an epidemic portion which threatens the existence of healthy relations from which children may grow into healthy adults.

Today I want my girls, Alice and Robyn, to know how much I am enjoying watching them mothering and what  a great job I know they are doing.  There is no perfect way, I believe, to raise a child. But I am certain that Lula and Sebastian will fully understand and appreciate the mothering they will receive for a lifetime.  I expect they will not take as long as me to come to full appreciation of mothering’s magical power.  I want all of my children to appreciate the wonder and magic of nurturing, at least, Lula and Sebastian, through the mine fields of this life.  They will need all of our help to find steady ground on which to stand in the world to come.

While Gaurdia and I don’t have children together, I must give her a special commendation on this mothering day for taken over from my mother  the mothering job that must continue to grow me.  I am better today because of her care and nurturing.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful  mother’s that I know and love.  Without you, there would be no humanity. Of course, we guys have helped some!

Mother Day, May 12, 2013

Thought for Today

You can only improve you and your life circumstance from today. So, spend less time contemplating life’s yesterdays. At best, time spent in and on yesterday, robs you of precious time creating better tomorrows.

Genealogy: Robyn Smith Blog

Genealogy: Robyn Smith Blog

My daughter, Robyn Smith, is a certified genealogist and this link is to her blog. She has done great work with our family history. She also lectures, teaches and writes articles on the subject. I don’t know how she finds time to do this work with a young son and a full time job.

Alice Smith Website

Alice Smith Website

My daughter, Alice Smith, is a singer and this link is to her website.  I particularly like her take on Cee Lo Green’s “Fool For You” among the videos.

Iguassu Falls

This panorama photo of Iguassu Falls in Brazil was made by combining 7 photos into one panorama photo. The photos were taken in March, 2012, while on vacation in Brazil and Argentina.

Where You Are…

This morning soaking in a tub I closed my eyes and began a prayer inwhich I sought to connect with the spirit of a cousin who is ill. A thought came to me.

Where you are is where you should be to get where you are going.

The imperfections of this moment in life can  only be corrected as we move closer to extending love  consistently to ourselves and others. It seems that the ones we love less hold the key to a better place of  peace  and contentment for us. When we are at peace with them, accept them, forgive them, even if we physically and mentally distance ourselves from them, where we are “going” becomes a place of profound peace with gentle breezes.  A forgiving and loving heart, in the face of hatred and real discontentment, has the power to create new life.

Fifteen Years of Sunshine

I have had the good fortune to be married to Gaurdia Banister for fifteen years on November 5, 2009.  The first thought is that these have been the best  relationship years of my life. While some of that involves a gradual maturing on my part, most of it is because of how and who Gaurdia is as a person.

It never hurts to be cute and she is cute,  but I know cute won’t cover a difficult  relationship for long.  The first and most endearing character  trait is how “up” she is to be around.  I greet her most mornings with “Good morning sunshine”.  My view of mankind can be low, so being around up people is good for me.  She always sees the good in people – even if they are not too good by my standards.  She always gives people more points for smarts and achievement then I would give. She just sees goodness in people and seems to have a sensor that minimizes the dark side that we all have.  This “seeing goodness”  is in its extreme form when one of her friends is involved.  She will defend her friends no matter what.  Everyone wants a friend like that whether it is best for them or not.

Listening without judging is the next best character trait to me.  Some of my family and friends know a lot about me, but she knows everything about me.  With mental health as her profession, one might expect listening to be central to who and how she is.  I always say she loves a good, long, and convoluted story – the weird story seems the best story.  Taking me on in marriage is partly due to my many convoluted stories (everyone knows there is little I won’t tell) that she somehow found interesting.  Others may have given me a quick release.  I believe firmly that this new age of relationships will require more honesty than ever .  The old reasons for marriage will have less and less staying power.  Marriage must be more about the pleasure of being together.  And pleasure of togetherness in the long run will be more about the respect  you  share which can only exist in an environment of full disclosure.   Respect given to partial life stories will have less and less staying power.  So, what is most vital to me in my relationship with Gaurdia is the importance to me that I can feel  fully revealed to her with all the bad behaviors, warts and fears that my world has created in me.  And I must feel that she is willing to give that same full disclosure. Our willingness to communicate on that level gives me great comfort.  I look forward to talking to her each day – still.  After fifteen years, I can truly say that I love her more today than when I married her. Frankly, I did not think that was possible or probable.  

Daily life with Gaurdia is fast paced. She works from the moment she opens her eyes until the moment she closes them.  I don’t know anyone that works as hard all the time. (And given my slow work habits, I don’t want to know anyone else.)  I know, however, that much of her success in life has been due to her work habits and the fact that she is such a pleasure to be around.  

In the end, it is a pleasure to be with her because I know she cares for people and wants the best for them – and me.  Having a caring heart that is constant and does not lapse into selfish excesses, is central to what makes her such a gift to live with.  I know that I am extremely lucky to have the pleasure of her company at this time of my life when I seem to be a little more sensible myself.  She has brought a special comfort to my days and nights and my heart is full of gratitude.

My continued wish for her is that she will always find comfort and peace in her world equal to the joy she brings to the world around her.  Fifteen years of “sunshine” is a blessing to behold.

How important is “focus” to a successful life?

In the book, The Snowball, about Warren Buffet’s life,  Bill Gates Sr  asked a group of successful business executives  including his son, Bill Gates Jr. and Warren Buffet, what was the most important factor in their success. Warren Buffet and Bill Gates Jr. both said “focus”.

Like all of us,  people who have great business success, also have things they do not do well.  But their success in business almost always has focus as a central attribute.  They may be extremely intelligent, smart, and lucky, but these attributes are more associated with temporary advance without focus. 

I knew all along that it was important, but, like many, I never new how important it was to every aspect of  a successful life. If you want to have any mutually satisfying relationship, you will need to focus on it and not treat it cavalierly.  To be good, really good, at anything requires the ability to establish and maintain focus.  A successful life which includes business, family, contentment and a myraid of other associations also requires focus. All relations require focus to be successful and mutually satisfying.

Warren Buffet has traded places, back and forth, with Bill Gates on being the richest man on earth.  He himself  claims to have put just about all of his focus time on business and not his family.  And that is something his book says he regrets.

One of the things that I have come to accept about myself is that I have never was great at focus.  I seem to focus well for only short periods.  I realize that too few of us are really good at focus for the time required to be very successful at anything.  For those who are famous, you will see a common thread in their ability to focus over a long period on, at least, one aspect of their lives. A great singer and instrumentalist can put in many hours each day improving their skills on their voice and instrument and go home and spend almost no time on building a viable relationship with their spouse, friend or children.

I don’t believe in spending a lot of time on the things I could have done better except to use some thought of the past to try to improve going forward.  And while I have had a small measure of success as viewed externally,  I am saddened that I did not use focus more effectively to do better and  that I was not as balanced in my focus efforts as a successful “life” would require.

What got in the way?  Selfishness seems a constant problem for me and most of us.  We all spend so much time simply thinking about what we need and want with only a glancing appreciation for the needs and wants of those around us.  We think about others, but their loud voices often require a metaphorical hearing aid that we do not have. And for those with a hearing aid, it is not well adjusted for really listening. 

Anyway, we don’t really have to listen to “them” too much because we have already drawn our conclusions about them.  We have already defined them –  race, gender, country, class, smart (or not), good looking (or not), worthy (or not), like me (or not), crazy (or not). We have defined them over a lifetime so we do not need to focus too much time on them now.  Afterall, we are smart enough to only need one or two clues or signals from them to place them within the small box that we have defined for them over our lifetime.  No, we don’t need to focus too much to slot someone or something.

Perhaps focus just takes too much time and effort. It really is so much easier to take one or two clues and put the person or thing or thought or concept in that small box we created (often so long ago).  What perhaps is sadest to me is that the best and the brightest do it. The hopes of the world do it.  Fulbright scholars do it. Presidents do it. Professors do it. So, people who know how to focus in one area to achieve great things simply choose not to focus on other areas that make a life complete and balanced.

I wish I had done better, but all of us can do better with what is left of  our time.

We are animals, aren’t we?

We are animals, aren’t we? If you want to understand us, men and women,  try looking at lower (perhaps more sensible)  animal behavior.  Our animal nature drives much of our behavior.  When I was younger (now 65), I was driven by sexual desires that did not seem to require much from a woman but acceptable looks to engage “the” pursuit. There really is biology behind that desire.  Like many lower animals, males are driven to drop sperm anywhere and everywhere.  A good testosterone level is required to keep that drive (hope) alive. Of course, there are other attractors, but looks seem to be the initial attraction for most men.  The noble part of the desire is the requirement for the initiation of sex by someone to maintain the species.  The part that is not noble is the need to persue sex to prove to self, men and women, that we are indeed “real” men. After all, you can’t be a real man if you don’t have a belt full of sexually spent women to brag about. 

I married the first women I had sex with thinking God, or the powers that be, had sent me a special delivery package to live happily after with. Well, I was 21 then and knew nothing, really nothing, about women.  Just one part of my stupidity during that period was the notion that my marriage failed mainly because I was not good enough in the sexual arts. Why else would my wife not want me any more?  So, then I wanted to practice a lot with different women and certainly not get married again.

I have for some time now been impressed with the notion that most men are driven to be “men” from an early age and that manhood is attained on the two pillars of sex and the ability to “hold down the corner”. Holding the corner is an expression of a man’s ability to command the respect of other men because of his physical/athletic abilities. In the old days it was the guy that was simply physically stronger than other guys who got respect. If you were physically stronger, you could probably win the fight and nobody bothered you. Now days, you can hold the corner at the age of 14 if you have a gun. You can be puny physically, but command the respect of all the guys on the corner with that gun.  A gun is a modern day excuse for strength.  A gun, an  athletic star, and a few women bedded gives us the right and the feeling of manhood.

Now, the biological secret that took me 65 years to learn is that eventually the testoterone level decreases and the froth at the mouth of one’s youth when any female passed begins to abate.  Aside from the psychological need (which nevers seems to die) to cling to the early view of manhood,  we begin to lose our manly power and seek chemical substitution of testoterone with Viagra.  What is the reason we simply don’t let nature take its course?  Our job as sustainer of the species has already passed to the new and younger alpha man in life’s neighborhood.  The animal in us is really saying, let it go.  But if you do that, what will our boys say?  Almost as import, what will our girls say?

If men are to really amount to anything in terms of relationships with a mate, we will need to control the two pillars. Otherwise, we should just be content to know we are really just another animal with more potential.